The Psalmist says, “One thing God has spoken, two things I have heard” (Psalm 62:11). This verse comes to mind as I read the story of Abram, Sarai, and Hagar. Their story is the historical account of real people who overcame real struggle. But at a different frequency, I hear a powerful lesson about addiction. It is as if two stories are being told at the same time. If we may pick it up in Genesis 16...
We read, “Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had not borne him children. But she had an Egyptian slave-girl—her name was Hagar. So Sarai said to Abram, ‘Look now, Adonai has prevented me from having children. Go, please, to my slave-girl. Perhaps I’ll get a son by her.’ Abram listened to Sarai’s voice” (Genesis 16:1-2 TLV).
Notice God’s Word doesn’t say, “Abram listened to Sarai.” Instead it says, “Abram listened to Sarai’s voice.” This is one of our first hints that Sarai (at this point in the story) is analogous to the voice of addiction. Here she represents that voice you hear in your head which promises control over your circumstances, a sort of shortcut to happiness if only you manipulate the situation a little. She’s that voice which starts a ball to rolling, a ball that becomes very difficult to stop. In the story, Sarai wants children. To her, children represent happiness and security. But she says, “Behold, God has prevented me from having children.” I hear in this statement qualities of hopelessness and ungratefulness. These two feelings together are a deadly combination, as they can incubate a new addiction in your life. The hopelessness causes frustration and reckless impatience. The ungratefulness makes you feel like you’re missing out on something. So Sarai speaks up; she has a solution to the problem...
Hagar. Hagar represents the addiction in your life (whatever your addiction may be, if you have one). Hagar is a means through which happiness and security are “easily and readily” obtained. And of course, when it comes to any addiction, the ends justify the means. At least, at first.
So Sarai’s voice draws Abram’s attention to Hagar. Sarai says to him, “Please, go into my slave-girl [Hagar]. Perhaps I’ll get a son by her.” Here we find several insights into addition. For one, Hagar is available. The voice of addiction looks to what is available in order to get what it wants. Secondly, Hagar is from Egypt. In the Torah, Egypt is a picture of this world; it’s a place of slavery. Hagar is a product of this place. She represents what the world can provide you. Although she is called the slave-girl in this particular translation, I prefer to call her the bond-woman because I like that it carries a double meaning. You see, Abram is about to bind himself to the bond-woman. He will tie himself to her, and over time, he will find it difficult to break his bond with her. Even when their relationship becomes destructive to his family and to his future, still he will struggle to cut his ties to Hagar. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Notice a third insight here: Sarai calls Hagar her slave-girl. In other words, Sarai is certain she has control over Hagar. And in this way the voice of addiction will speak to you. When it recommends something, the voice of addiction speaks as though the matter is totally under control. The voice reasons to you, saying, “Here’s this thing. Take it. Have it. Why not? It’s under control, and you deserve it.” Note, not once does Sarai mention a single negative consequence. She sells a purely positive outcome––a win-win situation. So Abram listens to the voice of Sarai, and he binds himself to the bond-woman from Egypt.
What happens next? Hagar becomes pregnant with Abram’s child, and we learn that Hagar begins to belittle Sarai (Genesis 16:4). Here’s the dilemma that’s arisen: Hagar now has something with Abram that Sarai doesn’t have a share in. Abram and Hagar have a world together outside of Sarai. And this hurts her; it angers her. What’s developed is a kind of situation that addiction creates within your marriage. You begin to cherish a relationship outside of your spouse. Your addiction gives you something that your spouse cannot seem to provide. And so your spouse begins to feel more and more like an outsider. More and more like the third wheel to you and your addiction. Understandably, jealousy and resentment surface, and the integrity of your marriage suffers. If your marriage is important to you, clearly you must surrender the addiction. But then, why is it so hard to give up?
Let’s consider what it means to be bound to something. It’s interesting to hear how addicts talk about their particular addiction in a support-group setting. They speak of it as “a best friend.” After all, this addiction has helped them through thick and thin. They’ve turned to it every time they needed help, and this thing was there for them, ready to help. It didn’t judge them. It accepted them with open arms, and it supplied the pick-me-up they needed. So then later, when addicts eventually labor to give up the addiction, they feel as though they are losing a best friend. Meanwhile, the folks around them may say, “give it up!” or “just quit already!” But you see, those people are not bound to this thing like the addict is. To those people it’s just a substance or an unnecessary behavior. But to the addict, it’s a best friend with whom they’ve shared many private moments. It goes that in any close relationship, one’s own identity becomes intwined with the other party. It’s unclear where one ends and the other begins. The relationship becomes part of one’s self-construction, and to lose that connection is to lose an understanding of oneself. In the context of addiction, a person doesn’t know where the person ends and the addict begins. The addiction helps them understand who they are.
Hagar helped Abram understand who he was! He was made to be a father, and Hagar was the first to help him access that part of himself. And yet, the plan goes wrong. Abram’s wife sees that the fruits of that relationship are damaging the family. She comes to him and pleads, “Give her up!” “Put her out!” “She’s got to go!” Now this is easy for her to say because she is not bound to the bond-woman! She has no real attachment to Hagar! But Sarai is naive to think Abram could spend that kind of time with the bond-woman and not become deeply bound to her. The truth is with anything you allow to continue in your life for a period of time, there is a bond that develops between you and it, and the deeper the bond, the more difficult it is to break. To Sarai, Hagar is no more than an Egyptian slave. But Sarai hasn’t heard Hagar lay up at night and talk about her childhood, about her dreams and fears. Sarai hasn’t wiped Hagar’s forehead when she was nauseated in the morning, nor has she fallen asleep in Hagar’s arms. But Abram has. And every day Abram spends with the bond-woman, he is more and more bound to her.
Here’s the funny thing about being bound to something: you don’t realize how tied up you are until you get ready to push away. You don’t know how addicted you’ve become until you try to quit. So here God challenges Abram. God says to him, your wife is right. Harken to the voice of your wife. Give up Hagar.
What?! Abram is hearing this and thinking, But my wife is the reason I’m in this predicament! If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have this problem! ...And now you want me to listen to her?
Abram finds himself in a situation where he’s so bound to Hagar that every time his wife brings up the situation, he gets mad. As far as he’s concerned, his wife doesn’t understand. You see, he and Sarai used to have a problem: they couldn’t have a child together. But now the problem is over because, by this time, Isaac has been born. So the initial problem between Sarai and Abram has been resolved. And yet Abram is still bound to the thing that he resorted to when the chips were down and things didn’t make sense. Does this sound familiar to you?
It happens that difficult situations can create attachments, and sometimes those attachments out-survive the situation. The attachment was intended to help you through a season, but now the season is over and the attachment remains. This is addiction, pure and simple. And it’s what Abram is going through. But Sarai, his wife, has had enough. It is time for Abram to choose.
My knowledge of addiction comes from firsthand experience. Addiction is about control. An addict has control issues. The addiction is a source of control. Ironically, in this very area, an addict has the least amount of control. Looking back at my own life, I’ve tied myself to an addiction––the underlying purpose being to control my feelings, to “handle” my circumstances. At first I did it to get high, but then I did it to avoid the low. In my pursuit of control, I increasingly lost control. I wounded myself and my family. Eventually my wife said enough is enough. I had to choose.
I am reminded of Jesus when He said, “Those who cling to their life will lose it, but those who let it go for My sake will gain it.” I feel like He’s looking square in the eyes of an addict as He says this. Again, addicts cling to their addiction as a source of control, but by that very act, they lose control. It’s not until they let it go and faithfully put their satisfaction in God that self-control is actually gained. Having lived through this struggle, I will say: putting out the addiction was no easier for me than it was for Abram to banish Hagar and Ishmael from his home. That action is not easy. Indeed, it feels like the loss of a best friend.
But it’s for the best. Abram did it; he overcame the attachment. There for a while, he had Ishmael and Isaac growing up together in the same household. He had his mistake and his miracle maturing side by side. He couldn’t give up either one. He loved them both and he did everything he could to make it work. But then his mistake began to mock his miracle. At that point, it had to stop. It could go on no longer. So Abram put an end to it.
When the fruits of your addiction begin to mock your fruit with the Lord, you’ve made a wrong turn somewhere. You have to go back to the beginning and do as Abram did. Send your addiction away. Listen to your spouse and drive it out! It may seem like a best friend, and it may seem displeasing to cut ties, but the attachment was never meant to be part of your household. You were called to leave Egypt, not to bring Egypt with you. Again, don’t let your mistake mock your walk with the Lord. Give it up because God has something great in store for you.
One last thing. God could have stepped in and eliminated Hagar from Abram’s life. God could have made Hagar disappear with the snap of His fingers. But guess what? He didn’t. Instead, He waited for Abram to do it for himself!
